2:58pm

And if something happened to me who would care? I feel like he never does. I feel like he cares about me but my feelings no. Does he care that I feel like not waking up or does he care that I have these dark thoughts that no one knows about? Does he care that I don’t tell him as much as I  did? Honestly I feel like I can’t tell him anything anymore.. When I try he ends up getting mad at me and we end up fighting. I don’t know if were going through a rough patch or is our relationship ending? I pray that we don’t break up but who knows? Only he does. My ex always said we were going through a rough patch and then he left. I always feel like he’s going to leave and is that because we shouldn’t be together or is it because i’m an insecure pathetic worthless piece of shit? And if he was to read this he would just assume that I don’t want us to work out but that’s not the case at all. I pray every night he doesn’t leave. But I need someone who is okay with me being like this and says things to me to help me get through this rather than someone trying to make me stronger. Because i’m not getting stronger i’m getting worse. I feel like a failure. I feel unwanted and unloved. and if he has to exaggerate his love for me he should be willing to do that. Because its the only thing that would help. Yelling and getting mad at me doesn’t help it makes me worse. It makes me want to start cutting again because I feel so useless. I just want someone to love me and help me and say things to me to make me feel better. because im sick of the dreams and not being able to sleep and laying in bed thinking about how much everyone hates me. I dont know why i think this way but i do and he knows that and it just really fucking sucks and i consider leaving this world more and more each day but who wants to hear that? No one not even him.  

October 13,2013-2:59pm

Today I had to walk away from my boyfriend. I don’t think people understand when I say boyfriend it means way more than just boyfriend. He literally is everything to me. It sounds so pathetic for me to even say that. But when I say that i’m being completely serious. He has been there for me so much more than anyone else in my life. I mean if I wanted to go to my family they would be there for me. But he gets things out of me. He knows when something is wrong and he doesn’t stop bugging me until I tell him. Its so fucking annoying at the time but it’s also the cutest thing. He is my best friend. Really my only friend and my best friend. I never thought it would be possible for a boyfriend to be the best friend also. Actually I never thought any of this would happen. Meeting him at that party I knew that I wanted him. If I was confident enough or ready to try to talk to someone else I would have asked Anthony to help me out. I remember everything so clearly. A came up to me and my sister about an hour before we left and he asked me if I wanted him to help me or whatever. And I said no, of course. Because at the same fucking time I was thinking about that fucking dick head of an ex. I was so caught up with my ex that I missed the greatest thing in my life. I sometimes think that an angel knew we were meant to be together. And she was watching me that night and thought I would be able to forget about my ex and move on. And that angel worked so damn hard to get us together. She kept seeing me fail and kept giving me chances. It’s crazy to even think about. That’s probably why i’m so confused about it. I know everything happens for a reason. But why did I get chance after chance to meet him? Like I don’t deserve to have a boyfriend that amazing. Or do I? I don’t even know what I deserve or how I should be treated and that’s probably why I settled for my ex and all that went down hill. I just hope one day i’ll be able to look at my boyfriend and he would see how far I’ve come and just be proud to have me as a girlfriend. It’s crazy just thinking about the way everything turned out with me and him. Maybe that’s why were separated right now. Maybe that’s all part of the plan, the really shitty plan at that. It’s the hardest thing from going to see my boyfriend every single fucking day for months and to see that all taken away from me in a summer isn’t fair. I always wonder if I was supposed to go with him to Virginia. Like was I supposed to drop everything I had and move out so soon and be alone? All these questions run through my mind more than anyone even knows. Like I feel guilty for not telling him about it. I feel that if he knew that these questions are consuming me and hurting me and making me feel completely lost he would be mad I didn’t tell him a while ago. But am I lying to him? Or is hiding my deepest thought from him going to hurt him or protect him? I don’t even know. I think that walking away from him today was the worst thing that has ever happened. This time I was leaving him here, alone. Like he shouldn’t be out here. This place sucks and he doesn’t seem happy at all and I can’t do anything. It’s probably my fault that he doesn’t have anyone because I was supposed to move. I’ve probably never been so confused until I turned around after him walking away and seeing him go down that escalator alone. I miss his face, his smile, his laugh, his touch, and everything. His touch and smile are my favorite. Just being able to be in his arms and see him smile is my favorite. We could be anywhere in the world and I would feel so much better. Waking up the past week in his arms holding me tight, rubbing my back, and kissing my forehead was probably the most peaceful feeling i have ever felt. Like anything could be happening and I would be in complete peace. I will never forget that feeling. Sitting in this empty airport by myself crying is the worst feeling. I feel like a complete mess. I feel like I have a big hole in my heart, my stomach is turning and I don’t think I could smile at anyone even if I wanted to. Honestly, I just want to be home. I want to be home with my mom and sisters. I miss them like crazy. I miss my boyfriend like crazy too. If i’m not home I would rather be with him. Sitting there talking and laughing and just making memories is my favorite. I would give anything to go back in time. I want to know if I did everything right. I want to know if I wasted any time. Which I probably did because i’m always starting an argument. But sitting in this empty airport is the most loneliest, saddest moments. I feel like everything is passing me by without any thought. Seeing all these people makes me think what are they thinking or doing? Are they leaving a loved one behind? Or are they beyond excited to see a loved one? Like the only thing that makes me kind of happy is seeing people walking to the baggage claim and therre smiling. I like to think there going to see there loved one and there so excited to be in there arms and spend time with them. That was my favorite feeling walking though the airport, knowing that I could turn the corner and the love of my life was standing right there waiting for me. But now i’m back in reality heading back to California. 

xoxo